Funks

I am in a funk.

I am stuck in the spot between reality and imagination.

I want so badly to be back in Ladakh, surrounded by SECMOLpas in the kitchen or sitting down by my favorite spot on the Indus river or lying on the roof in my sleeping bag, wishing upon shooting stars.

My realistic self wants me to move on, knowing that I won't be back for several, if not many, years. It keeps nagging me to be thankful for the experiences I had, the sights I saw, the friends I made. Most of the time it wins, Ladakh crossing my mind constantly, at every corner, but never lingering.

Today, though, its lingering. My thoughts are filled of Ladakh, of SECMOLpas, of VISpas. I have a deep yearning, deep, deep, deep, to be there right now, this very minute. I want to be liberated of social norms for an American teenager, I want to be liberated of technology, of constantly planning for the future. I want to just be.

I want to always have someone to talk to, no matter the time of day or topic. I want to learn Ladakhi from SECMOLpas, and laugh loudly at my constant mispronunctions. I want to relax with my VISpas, doing nothing in particular other then just being together.

But that is my wants, my imagination, my past. That is it. These are the moments of my past. And so my realistic self is right, when it nags at me to move on and live in this moment. To explore on my own and find a balance here. And it's hard. I am not fully ready to move on but I hate feeling this way - like I can't think clearly, like I am suddenly alone and alienated. Especially because I know that none of that is true....but I guess that is why I am in a funk.

Grrrrrrr!