Funks

I am in a funk.

I am stuck in the spot between reality and imagination.

I want so badly to be back in Ladakh, surrounded by SECMOLpas in the kitchen or sitting down by my favorite spot on the Indus river or lying on the roof in my sleeping bag, wishing upon shooting stars.

My realistic self wants me to move on, knowing that I won't be back for several, if not many, years. It keeps nagging me to be thankful for the experiences I had, the sights I saw, the friends I made. Most of the time it wins, Ladakh crossing my mind constantly, at every corner, but never lingering.

Today, though, its lingering. My thoughts are filled of Ladakh, of SECMOLpas, of VISpas. I have a deep yearning, deep, deep, deep, to be there right now, this very minute. I want to be liberated of social norms for an American teenager, I want to be liberated of technology, of constantly planning for the future. I want to just be.

I want to always have someone to talk to, no matter the time of day or topic. I want to learn Ladakhi from SECMOLpas, and laugh loudly at my constant mispronunctions. I want to relax with my VISpas, doing nothing in particular other then just being together.

But that is my wants, my imagination, my past. That is it. These are the moments of my past. And so my realistic self is right, when it nags at me to move on and live in this moment. To explore on my own and find a balance here. And it's hard. I am not fully ready to move on but I hate feeling this way - like I can't think clearly, like I am suddenly alone and alienated. Especially because I know that none of that is true....but I guess that is why I am in a funk.

Grrrrrrr!

Re-re-adjusting

I have been home one week. Weird.

I never thought that leaving Ladakh and my fellow VISpas would be so hard. I never imagined that "reentering" American society would feel so strange. And I never thought I would miss all of it so much!

The first few days back were really, really hard. After living with a group of nine friends for almost four months I felt so alone. It was so quiet and I didn't always have someone to talk to. Lying in bed the first night back, overwhelmed and jetlagged, I was so confused. It seemed like everything back in little ole RI had changed SO much and yet it all felt way too familiar. I know, in reality, I am the one who has changed but still....its strange.

I feel like everywhere I go I see someone I know. It is nice to see familiar faces. However I am always asked, not very suprisngly, "How was India?!"

And simply, I do not really know how to answer other then "Amazing" or "Incredible." I feel as if I should have some funny or crazy tale to tell but I don't. I think I am still processing it all, trying to reassure myself it was all real and not a dream. It is so hard to summerize my three and half months abroad into such a short time - I feel like I could ramble on and on about my experiences and yet when the time comes, I have nothing to say! Grrrr!

I am not quite over the shock of all the technology we have in America yet. I was making some hot water today....and all I had to do was turn a knob! No fighting with the propane stove and the lighter or working to balance the uneven pot over the flames. It seemed sort of...boring. While the water heated I sat at the counter, reading news online and thinking about the SECMOL kitchen. There I would be talking to Benoy and other students as the water boiled, probably helping to cut up some vegetable or sort through rice or stirring tea. It's just different.

Last post from India

Wow! How in the world has it come so quickly that today is my last day in India?

I remember starting this blog, unsure if anyone would ever read it or even 100% sure that I was going on the trip! And now, today is my last day in India. Tonight, at 10 pm Indian time I will be boarding a sixteen hour flight to arrive "home."

I never realized how hard it would be to leave. I guess its kind of true that, unfortunately, you never REALLY understand how much you have until you have to leave it. The last day at SECMOL was amazing. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the trees were turning green - it was a normal day at SECMOL. I helped Benoy in the kitchen, cutting and chopping, trying not to think about saying goodbye. At night, during our big going away cermony it hit me (sort of) that I was leaving this place. And it was then that I realized somewhere along the way I had aquired a new home, a new family. Through my tears when hugging Chusket, a SECMOL girl, I realized there is no way I can't NOT return to Ladakh. When our taxis pulled away Tuesday morning from campus I reassured myself "One day I will be back."

Possible last blog post from Leh

OMG! Where has the last three months gone? In one week I will be arriving at the NY airport....crazy!!!! Today is my last day in Leh, which means the last blog post from Ladakh! And I dont even have a prepared blog post - just got back to SECMOL yesterday.

I have been super busy here - presenting my exhibition project, finishing my junior year (sort of - I still have to pass precalc and latin), crossing a 17,000 foot pass, staying with an awesome family for a week, attending an archery festival, sleeping up in a fort, celebrating Kylie's birthday.....its been a pretty good few weeks.

We just found out that the our travels home may take an interesting turn. Currently 2/3 of IndiaAir, the major airplane company that we need to fly from Leh to Delhi, is on strike. SO please send us good luck so that we can fly to Delhi otherwise we will be taking a 45 hour bus ride to Delhi....GAHHH :( And Delhi is a little....tense....right now with some threats from Pakistan. Life is never boring here :) Or really ever if you think about it :)

LOVE FROM LADAKH (for one last time),

Taylor